The Humor in Obituaries

As many of you know, I worked at the BYU-Idaho Alumni Center for 6 out of my 7 semesters in Rexburg. What many of you don't know is that for the majority of my time at the Alumni Center, I was in charge of deceases. Yes, you read that right. Dead people.

There is a whole world of Alumni that goes completely unnoticed. No matter your alma mater, you are being followed (in a non creepy way, if that's possible), if you atteneded you are part of the Alumni Association and they want to keep tabs on you, and not always to ask for money. One way they do it is through the obituary section of the local papers. To date, there is not a section of newspaper that I have read more religiously than the Obituaries. This is largely because they were cut out of the paper and put in my box everyday. Once I read through these small, mostly ignored representations of life, I would see if they attended BYU-Idaho or Ricks College, record the information as necessary and we'd sent a letter of condolence to the family.

Does this all seem morbid? Yes. Am I completely desensitized to it? Absolutely.

After reading thousands of these snippets of stranger's personal lives, I have learned a few things. Though I have read some of the most beautiful and heartfelt goodbyes, I have also read some that have elicited such responses as gasps, out right laughter, disgust or shock. I always wonder who it was who actually wrote the obit and how they decide what should or shouldn't go it in. Regardless, I have learned a few things. If not about life, then at least how to write an obituary. Read on.


The Eight DO's in Obituary Writing:
(caveat, I did not make any of these examples up)

1. Please do write your own obit. And make sure to write it in first person.

There is nothing like being spoken to by a dead person. 'I was born on such and such day and my parents were, I married so and so and I liked to do, I lived a good life, I was great and did so much and I will be remember by all?' Yeah I don't know how that works. The oddest sensation of them coming out of the grayed newspaper to talk to you personally occurs. Weird. I only ever came across two of these, but both left me to wonder how they wrote their death date into their obituary before their death,( ________ ),(mm/dd/yyyy), (death date here) and who the lucky culprit was that got to fill it in along with the funeral dates at the end.

But if your loved one did not have the chance to write their own, here are some things for you to consider in writing not only theirs, but your own. Frankly, I recommend at least having a draft because the person who is writing your's could include things like 'they were very honest, but they always meant well' or 'they were a little rough around the edges but once you got to know them...'

2. Include strange interests, hobbies and talents
Do you love to paint your toe nails? What about Aspen furniture? Are you 'pretty good' at building said furniture and sell it to your friends? Do you collect stamps? What about cats? Do you have a history of keeping junk?  Do you love pirates? Do you have any other unique, random or special things about you? Well why would you ever leave that out of your obituary? Complete strangers will have nothing but this to know you from but this so naturally,  throw in only the best.

3. The more dysfunctional family, the better!
Please do include that you have been married 4 times. Or that you married, divorced and after some inbetweeners remarried the same person. Or that you married you late husband's brother and your children (his nieces and nephews) now 'affectionately' call him 'Uncle Dad'. Or that when your spouse died and your best couple friends spouse died, you two got married. Or that you met and married your spouse of 58 years after two weeks. Or that your spouse was twice your age. Or that your affair with a fellow teacher not only led to your divorce but conveniently to your new spouse. Or that your second spouse was the best thing that ever happened to you while your previous spouse is listed in the people who survived you. And you know what, if you didn't really like your first spouse, just leave out their name, it's really not important when you think about it in the long run.

4. Childhood memories are always a winner
Getting penny candy, running wild in the nature behind your house, barn dances and imaginary friends that kept you company while you worked on the farm. Your wpm (words per minute). You were a high school football star and you should relive that at every opportunity, including in death. Anything, literally anything that made an impact on you within your first 20 years are must. I'm glad I know that you have a long history of origami, it's not just something you picked up in your old age. I'm happy that you came to terms enough with the fact that you never won anything but have since shown the world you do amount to something. (Authors note: not to discredit any of these things, they are great in a personal history, but your obit? Maybe not as much)

5. Cliche lines are a must
'Celebration of life.' 'Dearly missed.' 'Beloved wife, mother, grandmother, sister and aunt.' 'Missed by all. Never forgotten.' 'Remembered by everyone who met them.' 'Never met a stranger.' 'Put a smile on everyone's face.' 'Loved by everyone who met them.' 'Touched the lives of all that met them.'What kind of insensitive person would be if you didn't include these things?


6. We do want to know what you are doing with their remains
You were right! I was super curious as to whether or not they decided to donate their body to science. And I cannot wait to go in the field or swim in the lake where their ashes are going to be spread. (Ok, really people? Spreading ashes is icky. Especially in a closed body of water. Those are remains and people use that water for recreation). And those poor souls who pass away in the dead of winter and have a memorial service at a later date. Yikes.

7.  Familial skeletons in the closet?
The title says it all. We do want to know your not-so-secrets. Nothing more classic than a BYU grad of '79 with a 'life partner' who in turn writes the obit and leaves out a great portion of the family information and more so focus' on their pets.

8. That picture is the one I would have chosen to be published in the paper after my death too!
80's homecoming queen pictures, mountain man pictures, lounging by the pool pictures, the side by side this-is-how-attractive-I-was-during-WWII-and-then-aged-like-this pictures, the over-the-shoulder-in-a-studio pose pictures, the this-is-my-beloved-pet-as-mentioned pictures, the caught-off-guard-so-my-eyeballs-are-scary-big pictures. You name it, it's been done. Seriously, no need to be shy, show the world with one last hoorah what you were made of. Exhibit A:




Did I mention to please include any and all nicknames. One lady named something obviously feminine got married and her husband called her Mike from then on out. Mike.

Well there you have it folks! If you have the privilege to write a loved ones obituary, you now have the sure-fire recipe on how to write something worthy of alumni center employees to share with their friends as well as the more natural assumption of a tribute to their life.